Sunday, August 29, 2010

Game Face Time


So many, SO MANY emotions flooded me today. With this being our 4th deployment, I think I have started to really get the hang of letting go and saying hello again. Unfortunately with that comes the ability to just turn off emotions. I realized today when talking with my soon to be deployed sailor, that this is all so surreal to me. I mean, we were within hours of saying goodbye and we were talking about life like it was going to continue and this huge void wasn't going to happen.

We went yesterday to drop him off only to find out that he had a 24hr delay and would be coming home for another day. Of course it was so wonderful to have him home for a bit longer, but it is really bittersweet. Our lives have been put on hold for the past 4 weeks, trying to eat up every moment, thinking..."this will be the last time in a long time that (fill in the blank)". Yesterday was the day that "life" was going to start again. I know this may sound horrible to some of you, but this is the military life for most.

So today, we sat in the USO waiting for the appropriate time to leave him at the airport. Here the boys are having a ball in the playroom with all the new toys and I am holding my husbands strong hands holding back the tears. I knew if I let them flow now, that they wouldn't stop. The boys so innocent, really had no idea what was going on. Logan, 3.5 yrs old understands what "trips" are and that Daddy was going to be gone, but he doesn't understand how long 6 months is. Austin, little guy, obviously had no clue, but I know he will miss his Daddy. We let them play for about an hour, got some lunch in, and decided it wouldn't be a good idea to stay another 3 hours, drag it out, and miss crucial nap time. There it was, the time to say goodbye.

I let Mike change Austin's diaper one last time (haha:-)) and of course the tears started. He walked us to the car and his face sweat with tears, kissed his little guy, got an open mouth kiss back, and buckled him in. He then swept Logan up in his big arms, hugged him close, said a few whispers in his ear, got kisses and let him get in the car. Next was my turn...sigh. Prayers said, kisses given, hugs tightened and tears swept away. I love you my man...come home to me.

Now I had to drive away...so awful. Of course as I am driving away all these thoughts flood my heart of "did I love him enough? have I cherished all the things he has done for me? do I remember all the things he says about life? was I a good wife..." Oh LORD! I just wanted to redo the past 10 months of this homeport. I wanted to remember all the smells, sights, and sounds of every wonderful moment with my husband. See...this is what happens when I hold all my emotions inside! They all come out on a blog! HA!

It is game face time now. It doesn't mean I won't cry or have an aching heart, it just means that I push through it for my sailor across the world and for the boys in my home. Now starts the countdown! Now "life" starts again. Routines begin, cleaning started, and new memories made. I apologize to those who haven't heard from me recently, who haven't gotten that phone call back or friendly visit. Between morning (all day) sickness and spending this time at home, I have neglected those around me. This is our life and I shouldn't change who we are because of it. Please hold me accountable in being a friend, walking with the Lord, being a loving and firm mother. My hubby may be somewhere else, but I know I am not alone. Thank you friends who are SO there for me...I truly couldn't be a military wife if it weren't for God and my support (YOU!).


The airplane to take him away
Playing with his boys one more time.
Always getting love from Logan:-)
Last family photo...hopefully our next one will be in the same airport 6 months from now!


10 comments:

Joey&Casey said...

So, I have a huge knot in my heart and since I don't like crying I'm sitting over here choking on my swelling throat and forcing the tears back into my tear ducts. Oh sweet friend and wonderful family that we have come to know and love so dearly. We are praying for Mike's safety, for your marriage, for your kiddos in daddy's absence, for your pregnancy and the strength to endure that awful day sickness without the hubby's support, for lots of people to come alongside both of you as you are apart from each other..to love, encourage and help you through this grueling 6 months. Love you mama!

Big Fat Mama said...

Oh my goodness...Praying for so much for you tonight...strength, patience, protection, faith, joy... prayers are being lifted up for you, sister!!
Big Fat Mama

Kaylee said...

Oh Elissa, my heart goes out to you. This brings a flood of emotions to me (silly preggo hormones!!!) - all I can say is that I'll be praying for you to have strength to be the "single mama" for a few months, for the boys to know that their daddy loves them even when he is oceans apart, and for your hubby, for safety and protection - mentally, emotionally and physically. I know this day was hard (even though you say you have got it down, with it being your 4th time saying goodbye for a lengthy time...) and that these first few weeks can feel long too. But I am so impressed with your attitude and the way you handle it. You truly are an amazing example. And I know it's just the beginning, but I have to say - YAY for countdowns!!!

Laura Bora said...

I have never cried so much while reading a blog before. Brayden just asked me if I am ok. Talk about a rush of memories of goodbyes and hellos and turning off emotions and not returning phone calls, and goodness. And I definietely did not even do it with children! You are an amazingly strong woman of God and I pray he gives you renewed strength every morning, lots of sunshine and Sonshine, I pray that we can all come up beside you and help hold you up during the hard moments, I pray for amazing communication with Mike during this deployment, for the utmost safety for him, and for your sweet precious boys, that just like you said, God fills the void and keeps them strong. And so many more prayers too. Sending you love sweet Elissa!

On my way Home... said...

I'll be praying for you and your family. And I'll be following you now too! I'm encouraged by your faith already and the life that you've been given. I thank you for your sacrifice for the sake of the rest of us.

The Stachurskis said...

Elissa, we'll be praying for you and the boys (Mike included). You are such a strong woman I so look up to you in all you do. If you need anything, ANYTHING, even though we are far away I will be here for you. Are you able to Skype while Mike is over...there? It's definitely been a blessing while Zach is gone.

*total side note* It seems like just yesterday I was sitting in that very play room! Oh Virginia, you didn't want me to leave. :)

Sarah Halstead said...

Praying for you all. It has to be so confusing for your boys. Hope this time goes by quickly for you.

libbyslp said...

Oh, my heart has been heavy each time I log on to read your updates... the daddy doll was amazing, yet heart wrenching.

My friend, Rene, has been deployed 4 times, and he started a kid-friendly blog to describe some things about the dessert... Very educational! Great pics that he took himself. I have personally learned SO much!
He was stationed in Iraq, so I know it's a different country and the climate can be quite different, but maybe it would be something to show the boys for reference...

Take a peek if you want :-)

http://iraq101.blogspot.com/2007/04/climate-of-iraq.html

Or another choice (although, again in Iraq) was a blog about a teddy bear. The soldier reeancted real situations with staged stuffed animals. Perhaps you can find a similar blog from Afganistan.

http://blog.lib.umn.edu/spenc148/iceblog/

Press on Elissa <3

Libby

Mark and Danielle said...

Definitely a hard post to read. None of it sounded 'horrible' at all - it's military life and as much as "distance makes the heart grow fonder" it's difficult and nothing changes that. Waiting by the phone, checking your e-mail 20 times a day, wondering where he's at and what he's doing - it's all hard - and I can't imagine it with kids. You are definitely in my prayers - that you'll be feeling better, that the boys will understand (as best they can) and that the next 6 months will fly by until Mike comes home safely!

Melanie said...

You have such a beautiful family. It looks and sounds like you've made some beautiful memories while your hubby was home, memories you can pull out and cherish til he comes back home safely. Thank you to your hubby and to you for his service and his and your sacrifice.

(I'm in Faith's photo class with you.)