Wednesday, January 13, 2010

My recent thoughts...

I know that I am only 26 and that I haven't even come close to Mid-life, but in some ways I feel like I have hit that crisis. Or at least have some feelings like it. I think I am kinda in a rut and need an adventure or challenge. Yes, being a mom of 2 can be a challenge in itself, but it will take many years to reap those benefits. I have thought about going back to work, as being a Nurse is still a very real and alive passion of mine. I am scared when I think about it because much of the knowledge has escaped my brain after it being bombarded with motherhood. However, there are many resources out there to give a refresher. So when I think about working I get sad because then I would have to leave my two dear boys and not be there to raise them at such a crucial age. I know that my passion for nursing doesn't even come close to the passion I have about being a homemaker. So then I thought about going back to school. These days I can get my BSN or even Masters all online! I could stay home and get it done slowly. When looked into we realized we just can't afford it at this point in life, but is a definite possibility in the future.
I miss being involved in a church and serving others. It has been way too many years since I have known more than a handful of people at our church. Thankfully that is looking up as we have started attending a Friday night small group in our neighborhood. I have also volunteered to help run a Bible study out of our MOPS group. I am very much looking forward to that busyness.
So why this feeling then? My life isn't over, it isn't even half way over hopefully! I feel that these are mostly selfish feelings of inadequacy and needed outside reassurance. After putting on too much weight over the holidays (and working so hard before to loose it) and seeing another deployment in my future this year, my spirits are low. I need to remind myself that I am living for the Lord and that when I seek Him out, things will be accomplished...little or big all according to Him. My prayer these days is for Jesus to put on my heart where he wants to me be next no matter how comfortable I am doing it or not. Just stepping out there and going for it.
Mike suggested as a way to fulfill my need for accomplishing something is to run a marathon. Yeah run 26 miles? HA! If I run 3 miles I feel like a marathon runner. Well, our church is doing an 8K run at a local Event in Va Beach in March. So I am signing up for that for many do something that I need to count on God for, to meet others at the church, and to loose weight (HA!). I know 8K is only like 5 miles or maybe not even, but it is a start to something that I can finish. Hopefully these feelings will disappear soon and I will be optimistic about our future.
I don't want to imply in any way that I am tired of being a mom, because that is truly opposite! Motherhood right now is amazing as the boys get older. Austin will be one in little over a month and I will have two toddlers. It is amazing how much goes into raising boys to be Godly men. It starts at this age and never stops it feels like. Even though my house is filled with dinosaurs, cars, dump trucks, snakes, tractors and books about all those things, their love is sweeter than ever. Logan still cuddles and says I love you so much on his own. He even is nice to his brother (sometimes). Austin is unfortunately a momma's boy and prefers me only when he is really tired. Otherwise he is more easy going than Logan was. I love seeing how Austin adores Logan and knowing that I need to raise Logan in such a way to be an example to Austin. I pray that the Lord will use these boys someday to further His Kingdom and to witness to the world. Now I just need to be the person I want them to be! Being a mom of these incredible boys makes my day go by too fast and those moments of love wash away all feelings of sadness. So yeah...those are my recent thoughts!

I will keep you all updated on my status of the run! Yeah!


Joey&Casey said...

SEe, I just love it when you share how you are doing and what is going on in your head:) I jus feel like a chump that we didn't discuss any of his earlier on the phone. Next time shut me up and do all the talking please:). First point: I think everyone goes through little rut like phases and some of us more often than others. I go through them whenever I feel like I don't have much to look forward to or anything coming up that excites me. The baby has been keeping us distracted since the earlier part of last year but, I know Joey is ready for a change or something new out of life right now. That is totally normal and I think the run is an excellent and awesome challenge to take part it!! That will give you something to focus on, a goal to achieve and keep you busy:). Mom's need fun things to do besides just being with your kiddos all the time so you go girl!!! I wish I could run it with you!!

Molly said...

I completely understand your feelings. I think it's just important to take little steps to feel good about yourself and how you are living your life. Whether that might be going back to work, volunteering at church, or setting up goals like your 8K! I know you can do that, even if you don't run the entire way - just finishing the race will feel amazing. I've thought about signing up for a half marathon this summer to lose my baby weight and also raising money for my brother - that way I won't be able to back out because I will have an investment from others. Maybe I can recruit some others to do this with me.

Staying at home is definitely challenging in more ways than one and it's so hard to get that balance of being the best mother/wife and still having your own identity outside of the house too. There is all the time in the world to go back to school and to work - but your children are only young once. Just keep that in mind. But you know I will support you in whatever it is you decide to do. love you girl.

ElissaM said...

thanks girls...i know the feelings are common and people can relate. It just hit me one night and I didn't like it! I think you are right casey, that when I don't have something to look forward to I have a harder time. And right now my future looks kinda boring and well...lonely when Mike deploys. Yeah...this one is going to be hard. Go for the half marathon Molly! you can do it and I will support you!