Thursday, June 16, 2011

Sick and Tired...

...of this stupid feeling that I have! I am so tired of feeling inadequate and like just another grain of sand in the sandbox. It cycles around...and maybe it has to do with the hormones of a woman, but I want it to stop! I do so well, and feel like I am someone...worth something special. Then I see things that I desire to do or be and I am jealous or realize that I am just not that good. (this is very hard to me admit because it is so sinful and shameful). I think...if I only had the time or money I could do that. Of course I wouldn't trade my kids for anything else, but if I had the time/money WITH them...HA! Then I think about how those are not the things that should define me, but my relationship with God is what I should be desiring. I should be known for how I love the Lord, and teach my children about God, and how joyful I can be deep inside. So from that I start to feel guilty! AAHHH! Such a stupid cycle.
Is it wrong to want to be unique and exceptional at something? I know that sometimes for me it becomes an idol, and that desire to be "good" at something drives my mood, how I treat others, and where I spend my time. I know that isn't good, but why is it so hard to look past that? Why are there people out there who seem to have it so put together, love the Lord, shine their lights so well, and are so joyful with all that they have and all that they are. I don't know, I am just venting right now.
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 17For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

In the midst of these feelings I am finding those sweet moments that bring such emotional love and joy towards my children and family. I know how blessed I am and how much God loves me. I just wish, and now pray daily that serving Him is my purpose daily. I am tired of comparing myself to others (does that ever stop as we get older?). I am tired of not seeing the strengths that I do have (there has got to be a few). I am tired of focusing on the wrong things in life (instead of being concerned with others that I may not know in a few years, focus on how I can raise my boys to love the Lord, to be a serving wife, and to desire only God's love and companionship). Again, I am not writing this to seek approval from you all give me so much love. I am just venting because I feel like when I write all this out, I see the selfish, shameful ways of thinking and it truly helps me to divert my focus.

Here's a question...what do you do to feel unique but not focus so much on it that it overtakes your life? What can I do to keep my focus on my family and walk with the Lord?

(photos courtesy of my enchanted garden:-)


The Stachurskis said...

Elissa, you are not alone. I often feel the same way. It is hard for me to balance out life with two children and a husband in the military, I can only imagine how you do it all with THREE! I need to be taking notes! I wish I had amazing words of wisdom for you, for now my words are this...pray. Prayer is all we really have when we get in these moods (I wish I remember that more). If a written schedule would make it easy for you to write in some you time in the morning/afternoon/etc. then make one and keep it on the fridge. Try and give yourself at least 15-30min a day (if possible) to do whatever. Remember the house will always be there so don't stress over making sure you have the spotless house because ultimitaly you are your biggest critic. Write in your Bible time, that is something that I struggle with on a daily basis. I will be praying for you and your funk, please pray for mine!

Geek Squad said...

I struggle with this WAY too often. It's nice to know I'm not alone. My challenge is to hear, "well done my good and faithful servant." I feel like it doesn't mean anything if what we're "good" at isn't acknowledged but that's just not true. God sees and its those things that we do without the acknowledgement that make us the good and faithful servant. Serving as a wife and mother, friend and daughter (of God too) can often go under the radar because its being good at those little things that make us really good. I love when I can serve so well that the people I'm serving can just go about what they need to do and be completely unaware of how much has been done for them but then I want a thank you and I can't have both. Well I can but the "thank you" or "well done" will come from God and that is SO much better. This was much longer than intended. Sorry dear. The topic is near and dear to my heart.

Anonymous said...

You are not alone. I have this feeling a lot. I feel like I am just going through the motions of being a wife and a mom. One thing that I feel a passion with and that I am good at is photography. I pray that you are able to navigate through this all.